When Enough Is Enough

Do you ever feel like some stuff should have already been resolved, or made peace with, and yet it keeps reemerging?

And you don’t want to deal with it, because it seems so futile to even try?

Because you already discussed it, once and twice and three times, and there is no solution. Because you hashed it out and spoke about it, and yet, here you still are in the same painful place.

And yet you don’t know how to just make peace with it and so you’d rather bury the entire topic or walk away from it?

Let me get honest here and stop projecting it all onto “you” — and admit to what’s happening with me.

I’ve been around the block about my need for support in therapy too many times.

The work is demeaning. It feels like groveling. I hate it.

It is the diametric opposite of everything I present. It is tearing down the persona I had cultivated all my life, the one who is okay and doesn’t need anything and never asks people to extend themselves for her.

And despite deluding myself ito thinking I’d conquered it, every little while all the work I do stalls. I clam up. I start to bottle everything up, because I don't feel supported enough. Because I need more. And it makes me shut down. It makes me not take advantage of the little I have.

And then I’m faced with the fact that I have to plug through this topic. Again.

But expressing needs that will never be met is so shameful and ego-destroying. It rips at my insides to need someone who does not need me and whose boundaries make me feel like I’m just a little slot in her week and she really doesn’t care about anything other than the work we do in session.

And I don’t want to talk about it.

I want to throw a tantrum and say, I do not want to talk about it because you cannot, and will not, help me with this pain.

I want to, once and for all, slam the door on my therapist and never open it again.

I don’t feel like being vulnerable, to show her pain that she doesn’t seem to be impacted by.